Don't spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door.

something that has always been really hard for me is giving up. not just giving up on normal things but especially giving up on friends and family. i have a lot of friends that i care about and a select few that i really do  love. as some of you know that may read this,

randomz

some random thoughts ive been thinkin about.

-hmm, well for starts how lame friends can be sometimes. goodness, do i have some awesome friends! but sometimes, SOME of them i wouldnt mind trading in for an hour or so until they got their head staright!
-ive been thinkin about how much the portion sizings are in food. like seriously what the heck!? i think its super crazzy how we eat so much as humans, sometimes it discusts me and sometimes i love to eat everything in sight!
-i hate how im shy around new boys. well, not so much shy i just dont know what to say to them so i feel weird and just dont talk at all but then they dont get to know me...so annoying. one day ill change
-i have been thinking about how much i love my brothers-they are awesome and im so happy that we all get along usually
-i want a vacation super bad!!!!! i dont even care where i go, from the dunes to california... i dont care TAKE ME THERE!!!
-i love meeting new cute boys and then after youve been introduced a few minutes later you look at them and hes looking at you and you share a special stare slash smile. like their eyes twinkle and even though nothing usually happens with it, its always nice to know youre getting looked at :)
-fire dancers are hilarious. especially when they are in training!!! ahahahahahha rachel i hope you are reading this
-i think about johnny depp, johnny knoxville, ashton kutcher and adam brody and other attractive boys and thnk to myself.. URGHHH why are they so lucky to have the best faces ever?!
-i wish there was more going on lately. i feel like my life is on pause for some reason and im not a fan. i need to get up and DO SOMETHING!
-i won something today and i love winning. ultimate  feeling.

hahha random thoughts are a glorious thing. man oh man, well im off to bed. szh

meet me soon!

why can i not wake up to him everymorning!?!?!?! demi, i will win him over one of these days. its just a matter of when we meet and everything else will be history! ah, i seriously am in love with him. if only he knew who i was or if i existed..

gimme cake.

why?? why is it that i seem to always want what i cant have. or that when i want something from somene i cant explain exactly to a tee what i want them to do, say or feel. oober frustrating that i cant always be 100% satisfied. and even if i do, it feels as if it is only for a short amount of time. when i feel like this, i honestly just feel defeated. like i cant even do anything about how i feel or im not the one that’s controlling who i am or what i feel anymore.. am i even real?! hahaha thats honestly what i think sometimes. and for the most part by me saying i want what i cant have isnt all the way true. a better way to describe how im feeling is the good, old saying of "i want to have my cake, and eat it too" i want so much for things to be stable in my life and to have a daily routine for everything. it just seems easier to live life in that way, but honestly when i really think about, i would much rather have a random, crazy day thats literally fullll of surprises that i can wake up every day and wonder, what will today bring stevie? i, szh, vow that from this day/night forward i will for every negative i think about try and find three positives about the situation i am in. therefore i can try be in the worst situation ever and always look for the bright side so i can try to come to terms with myself and realize that my life isnst really THAT bad... i am so grateful for so many things...and because i have one negative complaint in my head, i will share with you three things that i am incredibly thankful for....

1-family, i know that is such a cliché thing to be thankful for but i honestly have no clue as to where i would be in my life right now without them and the support that comes along with them. they are my rock and keep me standing when i feel like i cant handle anymore. they give me words of encouragement and motivation when i need it the most. although they can be difficult and frustrating at times i love them all very much.

2-friends, i know i already have talked about a few friends that mean a lot to me a few weeks ago but i want to talk about a few that come to my mind just recently. some of the people i am going to name have helped me earlier in my life but i have been thinking about them a lot lately and i want to acknowledge them right now and give a short reasoning as to why i am thankful for them at this point in time...

Rachel Densley-my best friend. she is someone who has seen me at my happiest times and defiantly at my lowest of low, she has been such an example to me as to how to pick myself up from a hard place and go with it. she is someone i cannot even begin to picture not being in my life. she is in tune with people on an emotional and spiritual level that i one day hope to have myself. she in a very compassionate and understanding person. she has taught me so much in the short year or so that i have known her. she is very talented and even though she is very indecisive i love that she trusts me enough to listen to whatever i have to say and trusts that i would never do anything to put her in harms way, thats a very big compliment she has given me without knowing. she makes me feel like i can be whoever i want to be and thats a very liberating feeling.  i love her very much.

Paul Merica- i can always rely on him to put a smile as big as the united states on my face. very supportive and encourages me to branch out, try new things and just be me. we have gotten so close and i am so glad that he is someone i can go to whenever i need to. he is a very non-judgmental and one of the most excepting people i know. i hope one day i can be as excepting as he has been his whole life. he has met some cool people by just taking them for what they are.

Samijo Kouglious- holy cow, how could i not just love every ounce of her? shes awesome, and has taught me a lot. we were best friends three years ago and although we arent the closest we have always been able to talk about very deep and real things together as if we have been the best of friends since day one. i am thankful for the input she has been able to give me throughout the times when i have needed her most.

Taylor Buck- i dont see him very much anymore but i cannot help to remember all of the awesome times and absolutely hilarious memories i have had with this kid. he has such an awesome energy about him and just is a very honest human, those are two of his many good qualities! i admire him for being the way he is despite what people think about him.  i know that even though we don’t talk anymore, if i ever needed anything from him or from anyone he would be more than willing to help me out along with anyone else that needed anything. i am so thankful for him and the friendship we have had throughout the past six years of knowing each other.

Ryan Kee-man oh man this kid and i have been good, solid friends for quite some time. he is such a good guy and whenever i think about him, or someone will bring him up in conversation i cant help but to get a great big smile on my face. he is someone i have always been able to go to for good news as well as bad news. he is happy for me when good things happen to me and has been a shoulder to cry on when i have went through some tough times as well. he is such a cute boy and he has dated some cute girls, but he has also talked, and got to know a lot of girls who wouldn’t necessarily be known as the "10's" he gives everyone a chance and makes everyone feel like a million bucks after you get done talking to him. he is someone i admire because he is so positive and such a nice person.

3-my job. i am so lucky to have a job that i can go to. i am so thankful that in the times that we are in to be able to work (on average) 3-5 days a week. this job helps me to pay for insurance, gas, phone bill, and any other things i may need that my parents wont or cannot help provide for me. i am so glad that i have been able to have some sort of a job since i was fifteen years old. having a job has shown me that hard work really does pay off! it has shown me responsibility and helped me kind of, sort of save money.... or that i should at least try:)

wow. there ya have it. i went into this blog hating life and wanting to strangle someone and here i am now so calm and not so upset as before. i love my life, i truly do. i love the people that are in my life and that are helpful and try to do all that they can for me. i am also, as bad as it may sound, thankful for my hardships and trials that i have day to day, month to month and year to year. i have learned everything from them and i can honestly say that i am everything that i am today, from everything that i am not. helll yeah baby, bring it on! im ready szh

stewarts falls

pleeeeeeease call me a dumb-bum! i thought tys farewell was today but its next week... urgh ! oh well! we went to stewarts falls as a family and it was super fun! we had a picnic after we hiked and such, it really was so pretty! waterfalls are honestly gorgeous! anyways we drove home and such and that was pretty much it for today. oh yeah paul and i saw another super cool sunset tonight. you could see the outline of the sun but it didnt hurt your eyes to look at it... hmm i know it sounds weird and confusing but it really was spiffy! loved it! the brothers start school tomorrow and i am so excited for them but also filled with excitement cause NO MORE HIGH SCHOOL FOR ME :) so happy about that! im so ready for this next chapter in my life, and i hope all goes well with that for me :) night blogggerzz szh

muzik

i don’t know why but i relate music so much to my life. i hate it slash love it. i love relating it to things because it helps me through things or it also helps me descirbe how i feel to myself, if that makes any sense at all..? ahaha i also, on the other hand hate it because sometimes i feel like people are like, stevie stop living your life through music. soorr-frickkin-rrrryy! anyways, for some reason the song, Erase Me makes me smile to myself inside. i don’t know why, it doesn’t really relate to my life necessarily but i dunno i just like it. im not really a rap person but i do have a special place in my heart for Kid Cudi, along with Kanye West (i also like Taylor Swift so im full of controversy i guess?) anyways, so this song has definantly been on my “repeat” via computer, ipod, phone and radio if possible so yeah here are the lyrics enjoy…

She said I don't spend time like I really should
She said she don't know me, anymore
I think she hates me deep down, I know she does
She wants to erase me hmmmmmm
A couple days no talking, I seen my baby
And this what she tells me, she said


I keep on running, keep on running
And nothing works
I can't get away from you, no
I keep on ducking, keep on ducking
And nothing helps
I can't stop missing you, yeah
It's like I'm her new nightmare, she ain't escaping
It makes me feel a bit complete, yeah
Knowing someone you love don't feel the same way about ya
Memories they soon delete, hmmm


A couple weeks no talking, I seen my baby
I've missed you so damn much, hey
I wish we could start over, I told my baby
This what this bitch tells me, she said


I keep on running, keep on running
And nothing works
I can't get away from you, no
I keep on ducking, keep on ducking
And nothing helps
I can't stop missing you, yeah


Cuz I'm in the magazines
On the TV
No matter where you are you might hear me
I'm in the magazines
On the TV
No matter where you go you might see me


Uh, I’m Yeezy
She said Hi I’m Aria,
No! You an angel you wave hi to Aaliyah
I got a show in Korea
They built a new arena
Why don’t you come watch nigga tear the whole scene up
I know I’ve seen you before but don’t know where I’ve seen ya
Oh I remember now, it’s something I that I dreamed of
Don C said she cool but don’t let her f-ck ya cream up
Monica Lewinsky on ya dress take ya to the cleaners
Sure enough a week later I’m in extra love
And everybody know she mine so she extra plug
Every bouncer every club show her extra love
We just praying the new fame don’t get the best of us
But all good things gotta come to an end-a
She let it go to her head, no not my aria
The height of her shopping was writers blocking me
I couldn’t get my shit out anyway, I hope you die Aria


I keep on running, keep on running
And nothing works
I can't get away from you, no
I keep on ducking, keep on ducking
And nothing helps
I can't stop missing you, yeah
Hahahhahaha is it not just so perfect? I dunno I just love it! Hmm what has happened to me the last few days? I feel like I am alllwayyys at work! Ive worked 3-11 the past three days and today I worked 11-7. LONG shifts?! I hate it cause my poor feet are starting to resent me but I love it at the same time because I'm finally getting to be myself around the people I work with! Not that I wasn’t before, but I kind of have a hard time meeting and talking when I meet new people… I'm kind of shy? Sometimes.. hmm, I dunno! Anyways yeah that’s about it for me tonight! It’s the last night of summer. Wow it hasn’t hit me at all yet but I'm sure it will tomorrow night before I go to school Monday. Tomorrow I am going to be attending Ty Hiltons farewell. So weird that people that I'm friends with are beginning to leave but I'm super excited for them, it will be an awesome experience for them to have. I'm kind of excited to see Sean’s family! I haven’t seen any of them for a long time and that’s what I'm lookin forward to more than anything! And then tomorrow when ely and I come home from that shin-dig we are going on a hike with the family for mothers belated birthday celebration, I'm excited to hang out with my family! We are all older now so I feel as if we can have more entertaining conversations and such. Hmm, well we will see how that goes! I'm sure mother will take pictures so I will upload them and talk about the hike tomorrow slash sometime soon! Xoxo szh

parking places

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places.

isn’t it sad to see people you thought you knew so well change so quickly? and the saddest part about it, is the person usually doesn’t realize it until it’s too late. i have a few friends who had such high aspirations at goals in life and now, nothing. no motivation to go out and be a better person. it really is so bizarre to me that things can change so quickly. i want so much for my friends, family and even sometimes just acquaintances. i want the best for everyone and i get so happy for people that go on and do cool and great things in their life or even when something small happens in their life. i just wish some of my friends and family saw in themselves what i see in them...

sidenote....

Oh yeah, sidenote: Did I ever mention that one day, I want, wish, and will find a boy that feels this way about me... :)

God Damn You're Beautiful by Chester Lee


On the days I can't see your eyes,
I don't even want to, open mine.
On the days I can't see your smile,
Well i'd rather sit, wait the while.
For the days I know you'll be near,
'Cause a day without you, just isn't fair.
See the days I can hear you voice,
I'm left without a choice.


Plus I get weak in the knees,
Fall head over heels baby,
And everyother cheesy cliche`.
Yes I'm sweeped off my feet,
Oh my heart skips a beat.
But theres really only one thing to say.
God damn your beautiful to me,
Your everything, yeah thats beautiful
Yes to me, Ohhh


I can't find the words to explain,
Just how much you got me going insane.
When you speak to me sometimes we fight,
Oh I studder my words i say nevermind.
'Cause even when you just walk by,
Well I look around to seem occuppied.
'Cause i'm trying so hard to hide,
Yeah, All these feelings inside.


'Cause i get weak in the knees,
Fall head over heels baby,
And everyother cheesy cliche`.
Ohh I'm sweeped off my feet,
My heart skips a beat.
But theres really only one thing to say.
God damn your beautiful to me, Ohhh
Your everything, Yeah, thats beautiful
Yes to me, Ohhh
Yes to me, Ohhh


Yeah your beautiful..
Yeah your beautiful..
God damn, your beautiful,
To me,
To me.

friendship

Hmm so now I can actually sit down and write without having anything to do after and rush through writing this time. Hmm but what to say or write about? I guess I can just write about what I have been thinking about lately… I have done a lot of thinking about friends lately. Not just like hey how are you doing every few months, I am more thinking about true friends and things like that. I think that in the past 18 years I have learned a lot about what it takes to be a good friend; obviously you are going to lose and gain friends every so often which I think is a good thing. I think you need to see how you lose friends and what they do to make you not really want to be as close to them anymore because every time that happens, the next friend you find will be a stronger relationship because of the last one. Like you learn from it right? I don’t even know if I am making sense to anyone but myself but on I go… so anyways I have been thinking about some friends I have that I am grateful for..

These kiddos have MADE my summer! Ahh this summer we have had so much fun together and gotten to know each other so well! I hope we continue to be friends!

Rachel- holy cow where the crap would I be without her? We are together almost all day, every day and we have too much fun! We are very different from each other but also alike in a lot of ways but I feel like we are more different then alike. Which makes it nice when we both have problems we always get a different point of view in how to go about handling it and that’s probably what I love most about our friendship. We always think of random but hilarious and enjoyable things to do and we laugh while doing it and then turn around and laugh even harder thinking, wow we really just did that! We are very funny and silly together which, as most should know… humor is the way to my heart!
Cade-awwww, cadence! My ultimate best friend. I feel as if we are extremely close, I can talk to him about anything in the entire world and he listens and helps when he can. He is a very good listener and I love that about him. He is very blunt and straight to the point so it’s nice to hear about how it really is and he pretty much tells me how it is. Him and I can just sit there and do nothing and laugh and have a good time together. A memory I will always remember with him is one time we went camping and I just sat on his lap and we just talked and after we talked it got quite for a few seconds and he just said "we just had a relaly good talk" haha I dunno why but I will always remember that memory we had together! I love him so much and I don’t know what I would do without him...

Paul- We are close in other ways, ways that I haven’t ever been with anyone else. Paul knows me very well, we have had some very deep talks and I feel like he knows a lot about me and has made me feel comfortable enough about myself to be honest and tell him things about myself that I normally wouldn’t tell very many people. To me , this is huge because I can trust him enough to know everything about me, and still like hanging around with me :)

Other people who I love and look up to for what they have taught me and for being there for me through random times in my life are people like Samijo, Jenna, Katie, Taylor B, Julian, Ely, Sean, Myles, Shelley, Rachelle, Ryan, Wyatt, and many more! Thank you so much for all that you have taught me about friendship and life! You probably didn’t know you have all helped me in some way or another but you have!


Wow! Longer post then I thought but I just had so many things I wanted to say! But wow things seem to be changing so fast, as they usually do in the fall just this time it feels like a permanent change. People are going to college and so the normal hangouts won’t be the same because not everyone will always be down here to hang out. I know it will be for the better, like meeting new people and such! Just a random fact slash side note, I was already having a good day but then I got to talk to an old friend, Julian Moore, and we were able to catch up, and talk and I miss that kid! We used to have so much fun laughing and joking around with people! I hope he has a good next year up at Utah State! Good luck Julian! But anyways I think I am off to sleep I was just informed I am to take brother Sam to the dentist at the crack of dawn (9:50) tomorrow morning before work. Shiz, cutting into m y precious sleep time! Man oh man, oh well night xoxo szh

blah blah update

So mothers birthday=success! All I got her was a tai-pan trading gift card but she was pretty happy about it so today was a good day for her, I'm happy cause she totally deserves it! Hmm wow I guess I will just start with the usual and update about my day! So I woke up and showered, got ready-ish.. and left for the atm because I was off to get my hair did… so I went to the atm did my business and drove out to this new lady I’ve found! Shes awesome (understatement) and she said the usual “what are we doing today?” and then I went OFF about how ugly my hair is. Seriously, it is such a struggle! I hadn’t cut it for a year plus a few months and it has just gotten so gnarly and frizz ball and bucket of yuck looking so she cut off all the deadness… and now I am left with awkward hair. I'm not a fan to say the least but I have to keep telling myself, it will grow back. Urgh. Anyways before I left Christine told me about a few products I can be using on my hair to make it grow and to make it be healthy and new! So I went to Pearless right away to buy it and had no trouble finding what I needed, well I go to pay and… SHAZAM. No debit card to be seen. Shiz, I forgot it in the atm! So I rushed to the bank and they said they needed something faxed to them from my bank saying there weren’t any blocks or anything on my card. OMFGGG so I call my bank, tell them to do the deed, and wait, and wait… AND WAIT! Okay wtf? I'm thinking how long does it take? So I call again (at this point I am the only one in the bank and have been sitting there for about 15ish minutes) and finally I say, eff this and told the bank to call me when they get the fax from my bank. I go home, they call (of course) and then I fall asleep, wake up, get ready, go pick up Paul, pick up my damn debit card and we went to Coldstone! Paul paid for me, which proves he’s the best friend of them all and we sat, ate and talked and laughed about funny things! That’s why I love hanging out with Paul, he always has fun things to talk to me about to take my mind off of the stupid stuff that would otherwise be occupy my brain. After we ate that we went to his house for like 20 minutes till I had to leave for work! Work today wasn’t too bad, it actually went by fast but I was kind of bummed I worked because of my mother’s birthday but whatev, I can’t complain! Well I'm going to talk to Ely and Sam for a little bit while they are still up, but I will be writing again soon because I feel like writing something tonight! Ta-ta till then, szh

filled to the brim

Have you ever had one of those days when you just feel like you couldnt possibly have had anymore fun then you did that day? I feel like my fun was definitely maxed out today! Ely and I had a nice shopping outing and bonded a bit! Ely got some of the cutest clothes...watch out cottonwood! bwahha anyways we got done with that and some of my friends asked me to come and hang out with them so I went to my friend Connors house and they were racing around his yard with his little cr70! They set up a race track and would do three laps and try and get the best time, can I just say SO MUCH FUN! I could not pass up this chance to have the time of my life so I hopped on and as I was riding down by his horse arena the gravel was making my tire fishtail and right when I hit the sand I knew I was toast if I didn’t stop so I just stopped in the middle of the track and just started laughing I honestly had wayyy too much fun! And all I could think about was gosh; Cade and Paul would LOVE this! I should have invited them! Anyways so I did that for an hour or so and then came back home! Once I was home my other friend Gavin texted me and wanted to go decide whose snow cone place is better! So we went to his and then to mine... we didn’t solve anything because Gavin liked his and I liked mine better so we didn’t ever decide what one wins the "best snow cone of all time in salt lake valley" award. Oh well, it was a good time! After that I came home and just kind of have been hanging out ever since. I went over to Berrets apartment for a little bit but didn’t stay very long. I just kind of was feeling like a home body tonight so I just kind of hung out and enjoyed my simple night and reminisced about the fun I had today :) here are some of the pictures I took today! Connor didn’t know how to work my camera so I didn’t get any of me :( oh well, I promise... I really did ride on it!

tomorrow i have my mothers birthday, i hope she likes what i got her. i am kind of bummed i work tomorrow but on the brightside, i get my hair cut tomorrow for the first time in one year +, its looking nappy and scary broom so im super excited for a new look. now all i need is my red puke hair to go away and i will feel like my cute, normal, cleanly trimmed self! thats all for tonight xoxo szh

summary of summmmerrrr

Two posts for one day isn’t bad right?! Does it violate any blog code of conduct!? I sure hope not... holy cow, this summer has been more then I could ever ask for! It has been the best summer I think I have ever had! I have done so many fun, and exciting things and I still have one more week! I have done everything from camping, hiking, swimming, laughing, ice cream, concerts, Yoway Yogurt, park city, floating Provo River, my cabin, Star Valley, road trip, Lake Powell, wisdom teeth out and a whole lot more! I have met fun people, done fun things and experienced things I don’t think I could have! when I think of something that sums up this summer pretty well its camping, and my friends Rachel, cede and Paul. I have gotten so close to the three of them and I am so thankful for them! I’m sure you are going to be hearing a lot more about them in later posts but they truly are my best friends and I love them to pieces! I went through all my pictures this summer and picked out my very favorites... I cut them down to the bare minimum and there was still a ton I hope you all enjoy my summary of this summer! xoxo szh

summary of summmmerrrr!

Two posts for one day isn’t bad right?! Does it violate any blog code of conduct!? I sure hope not... holy cow, this summer has been more then I could ever ask for! It has been the best summer I think I have ever had! I have done so many fun, and exciting things and I still have one more week! I have done everything from camping, hiking, swimming, laughing, ice cream, concerts, Yoway Yogurt, park city, floating Provo River, my cabin, Star Valley, road trip, Lake Powell, wisdom teeth out and a whole lot more! I have met fun people, done fun things and experienced things I don’t think I could have! when I think of something that sums up this summer pretty well its camping, and my friends Rachel, cede and Paul. I have gotten so close to the three of them and I am so thankful for them! I’m sure you are going to be hearing a lot more about them in later posts but they truly are my best friends and I love them to pieces! I went through all my pictures this summer and picked out my very favorites... I cut them down to the bare minimum and there was still a ton I hope you all enjoy my summary of this summer! xoxo szh