rant

as few (if not none) of you know, i have been struggling lately with losing my two best friends to a mission. although i could not be more happy for them to be accomplishing such a thing.. i cant help but to be a downer and wish that they were home with me. home with me to enjoy the last of snowboarding, baseball games, running misc errands, laying on the floor of cades basement laughing our heads off, playing the animal game, watching friends or workaholics, sharing the ups and downs of our day, going to rachritos for matt to get a breakfast burrito at night, getting ice cream sundaes from mcdonalds, and the list goes on. its weird when i think about how much time we really did spend together and how it just stopped with a snap of the fingers. at certain times i am sad, sometimes i am annoyed, others anxious. but all the time, i am happy. happy that they are there, and i am here. they are doing such an awesome thing for themselves, their families, myself and those who will be touched by their words for generations upon generations... at first when i heard they both were going to begin preparing for an lds mission  i'm not going to lie, i was kind of peeved. and then i was excited, and then i was sad, and then i was angry, and then i was excited. (all happening one after another in about 30 seconds) "why not just be happy for them stevie? if they are happy, you should be happy" well, because you see, we had plans. plans for fun times and adventures ahead. we had camping spots in mind, we were going to go to my cabin as many times as we could, we were going to travel, and just be together. us three. the three best friends that any one could have.. and then they just decided to up and leave me? all by my lonesome?!..... urgh. the months preparing for them to leave were fun ones. we spent money, had adventures, went on drives... everything was together and it was so much fun.

and then they left. matt left a month before cade did (im sure you know this if you are reading my blog but just for my story-telling sake, bare with me... ) and it wasnt that bad after he had left, because i wasnt alone yet. cade hadnt left yet.... well now cades gone and i, for the first time in about 2 years am completely alone. okay, well not completely, but it feels like it. sure, i have good friends to pass the time with, but its not like how it was with them. we could have such a fun time hanging out together and say nothing at all. 

anyways, why share this with you today? why do i feel somewhat compelled to tell you this?

well, because i have pulled myself out. today i choose to be... ME. 

myself, happy, bliss, peaceful, at ease.. and everything else good in the world. 

i am sick of this past week feeling tired, sad, bummed, depressed, lonely... because guess what? THATS LAME! they would be so disappointed to come home in two years and see that i have made no progression in myself. that i hadnt made anything good happen for my life. so on sunday i decided to make a change. be who i wanted to be and leave the rest to follow. make myself happy and see who is standing around me when the time comes. its been going well for me and then it was just today that i realized...

miracles are smaller then what we are looking for. 

i and you, dont, and shouldnt need the ahh-ha moment. the huge piller of light striking my face. a huge wave of warmth coming over me to see what is going on around us. sometimes (sadly) that is what it takes to make us realize something.

i was looking for something to happen to me, something super and awesome and exciting to take my mind off of things when in all actuality, i should have seen it in the beginning. them going on a mission would be one of the biggest miracles to have happened to me. they are such amazing examples to me and i am going to try so hard to be the most that i can with what i have. so when they come home, we all have awesome experiences to share with each other and we can all laugh and have a good time and it will be like they never left. 

im sorry about this boring post, but i had to share so therefore, i am not sorry at all. 

happy mid-week everybody.